I check in on Delta to go to Israel in 60 days. What has felt so far away is suddenly feeling really close.
The surety I seem to have most days doesn't seem very sure at this moment. My job will be ending and I will be headed to a country I have never been for 3 months. Trusting the Father to once again provide what I need. He always has, but once again I will be in a position to not be able to "do" anything about it.
I recently asked for people to share on FB the word they thought of when they think of me, or the verses they think of or pray for me. It's for a quilt project that somewhere in the future I will get done... The answers were humbling.
The thing is, I don't feel like any of those things right now. I am thankful that any of you may see anything good in me...It is just Him. Really is, because I really can be a jerk. I am saying this so that you guys will know...the good things you may see come with struggle and uncertainty in my heart a lot of days. I want to put my head on my desk and say "what was I thinking?" I want to fast forward this crazy life straight on to heaven. I want to have the "surety" of a house, a family in those 4 walls, a job I go to everyday that I really do love (I don't hate my current job...but it's not my long term joy. haha).
But feelings aren't what we go by. Feelings will fail you. Everytime.
His word. His word is what we go by. His Truth. His certainty. His plan. His promise.
And what He promises is His presence. His love. His grace. Christ's salvation.
I just have to surrender control to receive it. Because the more I try to think I am in control the more out of control life feels. In order to have peace I have to surrender control, and let Him work.
I've been reading several books and the theme the past few days has just been pointing back to him. We look for home- it's in Him. We look for all these things to make us FEEL better...it's Him. John Owen's described our human dilemma pretty well. Our indwelling fleshly self/sin wars with God and what He has that is good:
"Keep a constant, humbling sense of the secret aversion to spirituality that lies in our nature. To see it's effects is a powerful inducement to walk humbly with God. The fact that, after all the self- disclosures God has made to us, all the kindness we have received from him, all the good he has done us in all things there should be such a heart of unkindness and unbelief still abiding in us as to hate communion with him ought to cast us into the dust and fill us with shame and self loathing all our days!
What have we found in God in any of our approaches to him, that it should be thus with us? What iniquity have we found in Him? Has he been wilderness to us or a land of darkness (Jeremiah 2:31)"
(And the best part!!-)
"Did we ever lose anything by drawing near to Him? Have we not rather received all the rest and peace that we have ever had in this way? Is He not the fountain and spring of all our mercies, of everything desirable? Has he not made us welcome at our coming? Have we not received from him more than heart can conceive or tongue express?"
He goes on to say- then why do we not approach Him? Trust Him? Why do we think our ways are better?
He is so good to us, and we doubt Him. We try to create circumstances that seem better than His...
And yet He loves us. He gives to us.
"Christianity means we get Mercy, God gets Glory, We get Joy, God gets Praise, We get Hope, God gets Honor" John Piper
What a deal! God sets up the universe in such a way that His Glory Praise and Honor would be a function from Him giving us Mercy, Joy, and Hope!
I'll sum this up by saying this: " The Holy Spirit won't lead you where the Father doesn't want you to be and where the Son won't get glory if you stay." Jackie Hill Perry (Thanks Bu for the #truth tweet)
So I am going to put my head on my desk and say "Holy Spirit lead where the Father wants me to be and the Son will get glory." And ask Him to enable me to do so. For His Glory, Praise, and Honor. And not listen to the feelings that my heart are screaming at me today...
May we Be His. Wherever that is. Wherever we are. Wherever He is taking us. His.