Available

it's not about me

I have said it before and I will probably say it again... It sure is hard some days to remember it's not about me.
You know- one of those days you wake up at 4am when you can totally sleep in. You don't feel so good (for like the umteenth day in a row). Your toilet is messed up and won't stop running- and you can't figure out why. And one of those days you get your feelings stepped on and it makes you feel stupid- but you wonder why it bothered you to begin with? That was my morning.
But in God's Godly wisdom He one ups you- He reminds you of others needs which trump your own. Or they are simply different than your own and seem bigger (usually they are). And God knowing me knows that I would much rather pray for my friends and others in need than keep up with my own stuff. So He let a couple of bombs drop on me. (For those of you who are friends with me I joke that you could be next... Hope you are prepared for a hard time... Just so I can pray for you. As if!)
So with my heart torn to proverbial shreds I quickly forgot my dumb stuff and prayed on.
Did my day get better? Not necessarily. But it simply became more about others and more about God's business in it. Did I totally turn to mush when I got to church tonight? Yes. A little overwhelmed today. Not gonna lie. So I mostly stood and let the truth of the words wash over me cuz nothin was comin out of my mouth. (I mean- who cries during "oh happy day"? Me. Haha)
And thanks to my friend for praying, even though I didn't even ask. For voicing my heart out loud so my heart can simply agree and say "Yes Lord. That." Even though she knew no details other than "I'm tired, it's been a long day."
So, in summary-
Long day.
Thankful.
Its not about me- its about Him and his business. And others.
Community. (Small but still community)
Prayers.
Truth.
Peace even in the midst.

But my toilet is still acting up. Hey, it can't ALWAYS be a perfect sitcom tidy day... :)

Now I'm gonna sit and watch the lightning show outside my window. Thanks God.

John 14:27-" Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Attention to detail

As I have mentioned before, and I will again today, and probably in the future- God pays intimate attention to my life. I am a firm believer that He is aware of every moment, every detail.
And thanks to the power of facebook I found a quote I thought I'd share (thanks Kyle). It makes me smile and it makes me think. Here it is:
When you are sleeping, God gazes at you with love, because you were His idea. He loves you as if you were the only person on Earth. Rick Warren

It makes me smile because it echoes truth to the scripture from Zephaniah 3:17 and from Psalm 4:8. And I have a picture over my bed of an angel with a light standing guard over a sleeping child. It says "sleep little child and rest without fear for there's a light in the darkness and an angel who's near." And it has Ps 4:8 on it. A sweet friend gave it to me in college- it was one of a trio of gifts I specifically asked for and all got. One of the most blessed I have ever been at Christmas. Anyway...
I smile to think that indeed I am God's idea. Psalms speaks to how He knit each of us and ordained all of our days. But His IDEA? That's a new word, a new concept to me. And my heart rejoices over it.
But I remember asking a friend in college- "you know when some youth speaker or someone else is giving the invitation and they say 'If you were the only one, He would have come and died for you.'. I have a hard time understanding that. Really, would He?". I don't remember her response exactly but it made sense(I was looking for a theological explanation to how this could be true.)
So when I see Warren's quote I smile and I think that same "really?" Then I stop to think that it doesn't matter. Because I AM His. He does love me. And like you love your child like you can't any other, I rest in knowing I am loved by Him.
You want an example? Here ya go- went to church today. Walked in wondering what I was gonna do because my dear friend loves the front row. And I'm not ready for the front row. And I really don't want to sit alone. The first person I saw when I walked in was a fellow blogger. And I know she reads my blog because that's how we officially met. And when I said hey to her she mentioned reading my "confession." It was her first Sunday to come to church there and we sat together with her husband.
A couple of things to note- our convo in the lobby was the first real life convo we've ever had even though I have known (of) her for about 10 years. Because we started communicating through the blog/FB after she moved away. And since she read my blog, she knew where I "am." So I didn't have to explain why I was there. And I didn't have to sit alone nor on the front row. Attention to detail.
Not to mention the dead on song choices that made my heart sing to the Lord. And dare I mention the truth spoken by the pastor to my heart. I'll sum it up in the opening video's words(loose paraphrase) "He endured His worst day, so you could get through yours." That would be the cross. And Jim Caveizel as Jesus crushes my heart.
So if you think He's not paying attention- maybe YOU aren't... (Please reference the guardian angel story or about 50 other notes on His attention in previous blog posts). He knows. He sees. And He knows what's coming.
I'm thankful for yet ANOTHER reminder of His love. And I'm thankful for my peeps who have spoken words of truth to my heart in the past days for those who have simply said thank you. I don't fling this out to get props but to share my heart and hopefully cause you to love or see Him in a new way. As so many of you do for me.
Did I mention Easter is coming? Watch the Passion. It'll make you love Him more just to see how much He indeed loves us...
And thanks to my fellow blog peep. I'd out you by name but I didn't check first. But I feel it comin down the road... :)

The express lane

Dear fellow express lane shopper,
The sign says 15 items. You clearly have at least 45. My fellow lane members have been counting while we wait. And we appreciate your ability to save money. But really, 25 coupons? And you have to count out your change? Just hand him that dollar in your hand. Thanks. I wonder what they do when you break the "rules" in the middle east? Hmmm, just wondering. Because here we give you the evil eye(the lady in front of me), sigh a lot( the guy in front of her), and catch up on how Whitney is in rehab to save her life, somebody has gained 50 pounds!, and they indeed have found alien life forms somewhere. At least the wait wasn't for nothing. I'm caught up on the news of the week. Sweet!

a confession of sorts

Alright. This one may take awhile. Settle in. Cup of coffee. A cold one. Whatever floats your boat. And it may get messy and ramble-ly. But I feel like I need to put it out there. And you oh bloggy community are going to get the inside track. You can thank me later...

Let me start with a story from this morning. Been dog sitting for my peeps the Spencers. Got up at 445, let the dogs out. Let them in. Laid back down tryin to sleep. Got back up after not sleeping to let the dogs out while I got dressed. Headed down the stairs while the dogs went crazy. And as the big ole bulldog decided to head back up the stairs I continued to head down the stairs as in "tripped by dog, now free fallin down the stairs." It was only about 4 steps but it felt a lot further as I thought "oh no- seriously" the second thought was " I don't have my phone in my pocket." Because when I lived in my house I was always careful to have my phone anytime I got in the attic, under the house, or pretty much anytime both my feet left the ground. Can't call for help if I can't crawl to my phone...
Anyway.  I'm layin at the bottom of the stairs trying to decide if the pain in my knee and left pinkie toe is liveable or broken with the dogs in my face. I am sort of laughin but mostly ticked that I'm layin in the floor at 7am.
Recovered. Got dressed. Put dogs away. Headed out the door. Tripped on the ONE step out the front door. "Andi- meet the concrete." It was my prayer as I got in my car that my guardian angel wasn't too tired to follow me to work. And I'm serious. The Lord was watchin out for my little self this morning.  It's 9pm and I'm still kickin.  Good day.

Now on to the hard part. Tonight I broke down and  called a friend who speaks truth into my life like only a few I know can. To vent some frustrations on what my crazy body has been doing.  Another doctor visit on the horizon and a possible test that won't be fun.  But I knew when I called I would need to own up to some other truths in my life. To be vulnerable like I haven't been much.
Here it is. And I confess it to you so hopefully you'll see life differently. For some of you who are in my "place" will be encouraged that this is life. And God is still in control.

I've been alone. I've been desparate.  I've been on the run. Church scares me. I've been lied to. And I have been listening to the lies. I've been to church on sunday a grand total of 3 times since Jan 1 and they have been churches in other cities.
That being said the three days I've been have been like rain. And I loved it.  But three days out of almost 4 months is not a good average.  I have lost my community.  My family.  I have walked away from them. 

 I pray without ceasing (albeit mostly for others). And I spend time with the word pretty much everyday. I see God intimately involved in my life daily.  Hence the guardian angel story above.  I mean it.  He watches over me continually.  But the idea of corporate church, gathering with believers, full out worshipping causes my heart to feel weird.  I wouldn't say fearful, but it's a similar word. 

Here's why. The lies.  I left something I knew. Something comfortable. Something that my heart delighted in. But I know without a doubt I needed to leave there. But in the leaving I didn't know where I was going. And something that shouldve been freeing became a self imposed prison. I can remember distinctly as I drove to a new church one sunday thinking "Go home. GO home." But I didn't and it was perfect. Exactly what I needed to hear.  But visits after that became uncomfortable. The very thing I loved- singing my heart out to God and listening to someone speak the truth became to self involved. Trying to live up to what I thought others expected of me. Of trying to explain something I didn't fully understand.  Feeling like I let people down. Feeling like I was falling short of who I needed to be. (Do you see the lies yet?)  Of feeling like I needed to react to what was going on in that room in a certain way because "others" were watching. (Which if you have ever seen me lead worship in the past was the LEAST of my worries.  I am usually- I'm going there.  Do you want to come? Come.  If not, I am going.)  Of feeling like the other shoe is going to drop in a minute and somehow this isn't going to work out...so on to the next church to "try out" til I find my place. 

I eventually gave in. "I'll sleep in and go tonight." Then didn't go. Then just avoiding it altogether.  Church became something I don't do.  And bless my friend's heart- she'd bug me and remind me and get on to me when I didnt come. Just like I asked her to. But I've been stuck.  How do you start over?   

No, I haven't decided to start drinking and cussing and smoking.  Or insert whatever people who have stepped over the "line" do.  I love the Lord.  He uses me.  He speaks to me.  He loves me.  But I know I am not fully participating in what He has for me. What I am scripturally mandated to do. And I feel like I am way over "here" but need to be "there." 

So this is where I am.  I am confessing my need to have control.  Confessing my want to know what is going on before I go all in again.  To declare a do over.  That I am desperate for the community that I have been avoiding.  To declare the truths for myself that I so easily see and declare for others.  To allow those truths to outweigh the lies. To let you know that I am a corporate church drop out and I am coming back.  Stepping back into the awkwardness of meeting new people.  Of being involved in their lives.  Of allowing this process to look like it needs to look.  To allow others to see my need and meet that as the body of Christ alone can do.  And to be okay letting people know I don't have it together.  Even after 25 years of walking this journey with the Lord Almighty I indeed to not have all the answers, no matter how you think I know so much from seminary or traveling the world.  Just a reminder. 

And one other side note.  I downloaded a ton of CD's to my Mac.  My itouch sadly won't fit them all- I am taking donations for a higher capacity touch fyi.  And as I listened to some of my old music I realized that i missed it.  "Cheesy" "outdated" "old school" whatever you may want to call it.    My friend Jami Smith said to me once "Songs are servants."  Well, they are still serving.  So in my do over- I declare that I am ceasing to determine what may be relevant, hip, up and coming or whatever. Speakers, music, conferences.  I am over it.  I am just going to sing loud to my Lord as the songs come.  Speak truths as I am told to speak them.  Cry when I need to cry.  Tell you the crazy story about what God did when it happens. And do the random things I love to do in serving people.  And I am not going to care what "they" may think.  Or what I think "they" may be thinking.  Because the only concern I have is the one I will forever bow my face and sing praises to is pleased.  And living in the spirit tends to trump any determined "relevant" or "in"  meter anyday.  Because it tends to be exactly what needs to be.  In His time.  Call it what you may.  I call it "being all there." 

I'm stepping back in with TWO feet to "available." 

Feel free to ask me how it's going.  

the bullets

let me give you a bullet point update list.  (apologies for the random and unimportant bullets included):

• State came last week to the Arbor.  All is good.  Thank you SO much for praying.  I can't tell you how much things have changed in a year.  And now we can work on focusing on the future and moving forward.  I cried in my car all the way from work to Ruby Tuesday's as I thanked the Lord for His goodness.  And Him showing His glory.  And His mercy and favor on the Arbor.  
• The stomache bug is ZERO fun.  Hits like a freight train and sucks the life out of a person.  If you know someone with it- love on them.  If you don't- be lucky.  And I'm praying you don't experience it this go round.  
• I upgraded back into the 2000th century yesterday. My phone now has the capability to not only send a picture message but to actually take a picture.  oh simplicity.  And oh how I shouldn't have spent the money, but I will keep it till I wear it out like I did my last phone.  Literally broke in half.
• Speaking of money...remember that fender liner I ripped off my car back in the fall?  Trying to be nice and not run over somebody's drill battery in the parking spot?  I fixed it last week.  Well found out yesterday that it was more broken than I thought- gotta get a new one.  Hello and good bye $70.  And the Honda Parts guy says ' you want to schedule for the service guys to put it back on for you?'  My sarcastic reply that remained unspoken- "For free?  Sure.  Thanks!"
• the Office.  If you don't watch it.  You should watch last week's baby episode.  I laughed out loud several times.  And if you are a parent...you should be able to relate to something in it.  Fun stuff.  And I'm not even a parent. 
• And please detour from here and read this post from Ericka Bennett.  If you do NOTHING else, Ever.  That I ask you please read this. It made my heart smile.  And it made my heart break. Ericka's Blog
• I love Goo Goo Car Wash and the people who work there.  Even when I don't do full detail, they are nice.  
• I love that spring is around the corner.  I have officially started working in the pastels in my work  wardrobe.  Beach April 23... can't wait. 
• Spring Break next week.  House sitting.  Anyone up for a party? :) Yeah.  I'm talking to you.