anniversaries

Okay, so I just got to put it out there.  I know it applies to a few folks (one of the fives of you out there) who read this here blog.  So I figured I would go ahead and be transparent and put it out there. 

This week holds an anniversary for me.  It doesn't make me happy.  I approach the event with a little hesitation.  And a little confliction (is that a word?)  So as I ramble to try to explain, hang with me.

This week marks the week my mom died- 11 years I've (we) have been without her company here on earth.  She struggled long and hard.  And in the usual stubborn Strain/Longest way she fought.  I got to spend some great time at home with her.  I got to bring her lunch at least 2 days and spend the afternoon with her plus my off day.  I always loved calling her around 11 to see what she might be in the mood for- Chinese, Sonic (some version of a fried patty sandwich) or maybe soup from somewhere.  And inevitably she would fall asleep while eating and have me warm it back up for her.  But it sucked.  It sucked to see some one you loved so much get sick.  Hurt.  And then dying. 

2 weeks before she died was my birthday.  I am a Great American Cookie Cake kind of girl- all chocolate icing please.  (or my mom's homemade buttercream icing on some sort of cake out of a box would do it to).  Mom made sure that I got a cake for my birthday.  All chocolate icing.  And she could barely eat her little square she had.  But she made sure it was there.  And later that week or early the next week Dad and I went funeral "shopping" and bought a new dishwasher- ours was on the fritz and company was coming.

See, here is the thing.  When my great grandmother died I remember some story about a relative lamenting her death and wishing her back. I remember my mom said "Don't ever wish me back."  And later when she was sick she said the same thing.  I totally get that.  When I head on to glory please don't wish me back here.  I know that heaven will be mindblowingly better than anything here.  But my heart hurts some days and I miss her company.  Call it wishing her back or whatever you want.  But when the ol birthday is followed by such an  anniversary it sometimes just stirs up trouble in my heart.  I miss her.

When I went to the funeral this week I was delighted to hear the hospice chaplain share once again : 2 Corinthians 5:1-2,6  "Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. ²Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling.  ⁶Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord." 

Please note as he said "WE KNOW" it's not like it's a surprise.  We have to leave our tent to move on to the mansion built for us in glory.  Somehow when he talked about that on Tuesday it made my heart hurt less. 

I have no idea why I felt compelled to share this.  I guess because it's easier to share it here than in your face.  I don't do that much when it comes to missing my mom.  It's just too hard to explain.  I am thankful for those friends who get it.  Who get that some days I have a need to decompress and ramble some.  You know those things that a mom would listen to and possibly offer advice.  Or sometimes just listen with no commentary?  Yeah.  Those.  And since I got no husband around to ramble to, and sometimes I just need another human to hear it and not simply the Lord I ramble on to those individuals.  So if that applies to you- thank you.  From the bottom of my heart- thank you.

For those of you who have experienced such a loss, I pray that the Holy Spirit is working in your heart as He is in mine.  That He is your comfort and counselor as He has been for me.  That He would surprise you with His goodness in the most needed moments. 

When I was in college I heard a guy speak (several times) and he would say "Whatever makes you long for heaven, consider it a blessing."  Missing my mom makes me long for heaven.  To be whole in front of the Lord Almighty.  To see Jesus face to face and hug Him- to fall at His feet.  And to fellowship again with those who are no longer here.  "To Know" the other side of the story...the heavenly dwelling part.  Until then I will consider it ALL a blessing.  Because it makes me go to Him.  To trust Him more. To long to be more like Him.  To see it all as He sees it. 

So if I could, I would speak peace into your life- for now, or for later when you need it most.  May you find Peace- Him.

Comments

[Rebecca Gaston]

I am blessed to be one of your "five". We should do lunch sometime.

[Buffie Tuck]

Andi - I lost my mom in 1992. I "wish her back" for me, not for her. I understand where you are coming from. There are a couple of times throughout the year that I ache more than others. Those anniversaries can be tough. It doesn't matter how old you are, there are days when only a mom will do. Thanks again for being so transparent.