Big ol bite in the butt

You ever have something you say come back and bite you in the butt.? (Apologies to all those who have issues with “butt” but this is my blog and that’s how I am thinking it…so I just gotta say it.)  I mean, it hurts.  Like a big rabid dog taking a chunk?  (I got bit by a dog once when I was little- scared me to death because I thought for a good 15 minutes I might have rabies and have to get shots and that was terrifying…more so than the bloodless bite on my leg).  Anyway…

So I didn’t really SAY this, but it came back around to me in such a way today I am once again amazed by God’s perfect timing.  This is awfully scattered- let me start at the beginning.

So if you read my last post, you know I have been on the run.  But in the midst of being on the run I have flung some truth out to some folks.  I finally finished a book a couple of weeks ago- Louie Giglio (Love the way the Lord speaks through that man).  It’s “I am not, but I know I AM”  I finished reading it, and a day later quoted about half a page or more to a friend of mine before I handed it off to her.  I told her she needed to read it and specifically a couple of chapters here and there. (Because I am so wise I know exactly what she needs to be reading…yeah, right).

Anyway.  Turns out she finished it.  It also turns out her dtr. In college saw her reading it and decided to pick it up and read it too.  And she did.  Read it in a day.  Yep. A DAY.  And then pretty much turns around immediately and typed up a pretty great summary of it all.  Quotes and all.  And put it on Facebook.  And tagged me in it. 

So here I am, basking in the light of “I’m so glad I am not running anymore” (I’ll blog on that in a little bit) and I get an email from the FB people…you got tagged.  I read the note and wept.  The truth I shared in book form with another came back to bite me in the butt.  In the most powerful way possible.  It was exactly what I needed to hear today.  The Lord’s perfect timing. 

Because, yet again I am still processing.  Pretty much figured out I would be okay, absolutely okay with staying or going.  With here or Uganda (or somewhere else).  And a friend tells me that she feels like she should be going to Uganda and how it may be that I am where I am so that she could know that.  So now I am thinking “Oh great, all this so I can get others to go and experience amazingness and I am stuck here!”  And the Lord says “Why?  Are you not going to be okay with that?” 

I want to be okay with it.  I want to say that is absolutely fine.  But somewhere in my heart I am not satisfied with it.  Where once I said “I want to help send people out there.  To see what God has in store for them.”  I now say “I want to go.  I want to be out there.  I want to be in the middle of it.”  Funny thing is, I may be in the middle of it.

So once again, I am back where I started.  The same place as this morning.  Saying “Yes”  Simply that.  To the next moment.  To the next divine appointment.  To the craziness of life.  Whatever that looks like.   And when I get down the road and look back I will see where it all goes and what it all was supposed to look like.   And today.  Today.  I am okay with that.  For the first time in awhile I am okay with that again.  With Him.  With here.  With the process.

So about that bite in the butt?  I needed it.  Desperately needed it to remind me of the truth of HIS word.  Of HIS plan.  Of HIM.  Because HE IS.  i am not.  “I AM”

God is good and He is perfect.  And so is HIS timing.

And I promise- everyday here won’t be a play by play…but I felt the need to put it out there. The other side.  The good side of trusting again.  It’s messy too. 

And hope she doesn’t mind but read on you'll see her FB post… you need to read it.  Then get the book.  Then read the original that inspired the book (the B-I-B-L-E).

 read the most incredible book today. Yeah.....I read the WHOLE book in one day. I literally could not put it down. A friend gave it to my mom and after I saw her nose glued in it the past couple of weekends I decided I would check it out when she finished. The title captured me at first but the text was absolutely what I needed to hear. God spoke to me so clearly through this book. He made me feel at peace but overwhelmed with tears.
I might be behind.....some of you might have already heard about it and read it.......but others, like me, might not have even heard of it until now! Let me know if you buy it and if God speaks to you like He did me! " i am not but i know I AM " Louie Giglio

Here are a few passages from the book that completely blew me away............................


" I am not, but He knows my name. 
I am not, but He has pursued me in His love.
I am not, but I have been purchased and redeemed.
I am not, but I have been invited into His Story, THE STORY.
I am not, but I know the Creator of the universe.
I am not, but I know I AM. "

" God was telling Moses during the story at the burning bush...............
I AM the center of everything
I AM running the show
I AM the same everyday forever
I AM the owner of everything
I AM the Lord
I AM the Creator and Sustainer of life
I AM the Savior
I AM more than enough
I AM inexhaustible and immeasurable
I AM GOD.

In a heartbeat, Moses knew God's name-and something more. He finally knew his. For if God's name is I AM, Moses' name must be I am not.
I am not the center of everything
I am not in control
I am not the solution
I am not all powerful
I am not calling the shots
I am not the owner of anything
I am not the Lord

That's my name too. And yours. I AM NOT. Just try it under your breath. "MY NAME IS I AM NOT!" 
I am not running anything
I am not head of anything
I am not in charge of anything
I am not the maker
I am not the savior
I am not holding it all together
I am not all-knowing
I am not GOD. "

One chapter of the book gave me a whole new perspective on the Sabbath........... It explained that "the day of rest" is not your normal, lazy, Sunday afternoon nap......but SO MUCH MORE!
" But be encouraged. Today is the Sabbath. Oh, it may not literally be Sunday, but Sabbath is a state of mind and attitude of the heart. Sabbath happens anywhere and everywhere we let go of the controls and lay the cares of our lives at His feet.
So where is your future right now? Where is the outcome of your pressing dilemma? Is it in your hands? Is it in the hands of a businessman or woman? Is it in the hands of a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife? Is it in the hands of a team of doctors?
Or is you life and all that concerns you, in the hands of the God who constructed the universe effortlessly in one week?
If you want more rest and less "stressed" declare this very moment your Sabbath - the place where you pry your fingers off of the circumstances and people who you are trying so desperately to control, the place you discover that life does work better in His hands instead of yours. "

The book explains how God has invited us to be apart of HIS STORY, THE STORY........but He is the Star. NOT US!
How do we know when we have slipped back into the story of us? We know when we see these telling signs:
When I live like I am privileged, I have lost the plot. In other words, when I start acting like I deserve a certain outcome or a higher standard of life, I have failed to strike the fatal blow to self and am living like I actually have rights in this world apart from God.
When I am demanding, I have lost the plot, insisting that God and others meet my needs on a timetable that I see fit.
When I act pompous, I have lost the plot, thinking that I am somebody while only providing that I haven't had a good look at God today.
When I crumble under pressure, I have lost the plot, declaring the outcome of life rests squarely on my shoulders, not His.
When I start protecting, I have lost the plot, marking turf as though it were actually mine and forgetting that I have comes first from above.
When I crave the spotlight for myself, I have lost the plot, losing sight of the story line and the one true Star. And every time I do it I waste one of life's fleeting chances to make my life truly count by amplifying Him.
When I fail to celebrate the successes of others who are living for His fame, I have lost the plot, thinking that possibly we are on different teams when we actually share supporting roles in the same story.

When I dwell on feelings of being uninvolved, unnoticed, or insignificant, I have lost the plot, abandoning the miracle of knowing God on a first-name basis.
All of these privilege, demanding, arrogant, frazzled, turf-protecting, glory-stealing, self-loathing moments are nothing more than a clarion call alerting us to the fact that it's time to die to self again, reminders that the life of smallness requires vigilant watch and constant willingness to strike the fatal blow in the heart of me. 
* But to die to self is to gain an unfathomable scale - a daily funeral that is nothing more than the doorway to a life filled with the matchless WONDER OF ALL THAT HE IS!!!


And in the days to come, when you are questioning, needing, searching, wondering, asking, and struggling, you will find His sufficiency at the end of every desperate prayer. When you cry out all the things that you are not, you will know His answer is, " I AM." 
FOR EVERY CRY THERE IS AN ANSWER:
I need help. I AM
I need hope. I AM
Who could possibly be smart enough to figure this out? I AM
What works? I AM
What lasts? I AM 
What's the latest thing? I AM
What's the hippest thing? I AM
I need a fresh start. I AM
I need a bigger story. I AM 
My vision is bigger than my resources. I AM
Nothing's real anymore. I AM
Who can I trust? I AM
I'm not sure who's on my team. I AM
Nobody's listening to me. I AM
I don't have a prayer. I AM
My marriage is sinking and I don't know where to turn. I AM
I can't hold on. I AM
My kids deserve more. I AM
I'm pouring into others, who's pouring into me? I AM 
If we fail who will get the job done? I AM
I'm not sure why I'm here. I AM
I've given all I can give and it's not enough. I AM
I'm tired. I AM
I quit! I AM

I can't! I AM
I need a drink. I AM
I need a fix. I AM
I need a lover. I AM
Somebody just hold me. I AM
....................And what does this great I AM say of Himself? He says to you and to me: "I am the way, I am the truth, and I am the life. I am the ressurection and the life. I am Savior. I am Jesus - the solution, the restorer, the builder, the answer, the Wise One, the Coming One, the Mighty One. I am the Lord and there is no other. I am God and there is none besides Me. I am the First and the Last. I am Alpha and Omega. I am the Beginning and the End. I am the Lord, that is My name, and I will not give My glory to another, or any of My praise to idols. 
I AM THAT I AM, and that is My name - My memorial name to every generation."

Comments

[Alicia Shope]

Andi, I just happened upon your blog! Love it! I read "I am not, but I know I AM" a couple of months ago and I absolutley loved it! God speaks directly to my heart using Louie Giglio! Glad to see you liked it too! - Shope

P.S. Where are you working now if not at CFA anymore?

[Scott Fillmer]

miss reading about what is going on with you over there, hope all is well.